Soap Box: Apology

9 Apr

I’m a solitary person. Not by nature, but by nuture.

My mom is an introvert. I’m an extrovert. My mom, raised me by herself until she married my Step-Dad when I was about to enter high school. That’s a lot of years of me being trained to be an introvert even though deep down, I’m an extrovert. I try my best to be outgoing but it’s like sometimes I just really don’t know how to be outgoing.

When I moved to San Diego, almost 4 years ago, I didn’t have any friends out here. I moved with my parents all the way across the country from my friends and family in Virginia and Maryland. I moved to a place where I didn’t know a single person other than my parents. I met my boyfriend, and my search for friends just kinda stopped. I don’t know anyone here other than my parents and my boyfriend and my co-workers (and the 3 of them are all men, over the age of 50. Not really people I can socially hang out with, you know?)

So I regressed. I kept to myself. And I knitted. Because knitting is something I can do by myself. It keeps me occupied. Keeps me focused on something other than being lonely.

So I knit, and I blog, and it gives me something to do. The blogging makes me feel like I’m being social. It makes me feel like I have some sort of contact with someone even though, as far as I know, I could just be writing for myself. And sometimes, all I can talk about is knitting and blogging. All I can think to talk about, because my days are so unexciting and limited, is the plans I have for future posts or things that are going on with my knitting. These are things that my parents don’t understand, that my boyfriend doesn’t get, and it’s the only thing I have to talk about.

I fear that because of this, I’m losing what little friends I actually do have. I fear that I’m hurting people and even though I’ve said I’m sorry, that that’s not good enough. But saying sorry is all I know how to do.

I can’t fix hurt feelings. And at this point, it’s like I can’t even remember how to make people feel better.

I hope the friends I’ve hurt, the friends I have, can grow to understand that right now, the blog and knitting is all I have going for me. That I’m sorry if it is all I talk about. That I’m sorry if I’ve let them down. And I’ll try to not hurt them, let them down, and I’ll try to talk about something else.

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5 Responses to “Soap Box: Apology”

  1. claireejknits April 9, 2012 at 11:54 am #

    This is so not like you to sound so down and broken. Honey…if I lived near you, we’d go find a lovely coffee shop, drink tea or lattés and knit. People would flock round to see what we were up to.
    There are loads who read your blog so you are definitely not alone when you blog. There are people who think of you as their friend out there and I am one of them.
    Is there something like a San Diego knitters group? Could you start a stitch n bitch somewhere near you and meet people that way? Hugs, hugs, hugs.xx

  2. Jillian April 9, 2012 at 12:16 pm #

    You blog is an inspiration for me and so are YOU!

    You don’t have to apologize for being passionate about knitting or blogging. We love that about you! And you can talk to me about knitting and blogging all day, everyday.

    It’s your blog, after all! It’s your life! The girl I met and became friends with is a knitter/blogger. You don’t have to make excuses for why you do the thing you love doing. You don’t have to justify it to anybody. If people don’t like it, tell them to sod off. Or don’t. But don’t let it change who you are and who you want to be.

    I don’t find you boring. I think you’re amazing, and I don’t accept this apology, because you don’t owe ME an apology for anything.

    Love you, Miss V. You’re a badass knitter chick, and I wouldn’t change anything about you! ❤

  3. Stacey Slager (@yarnsalad) April 9, 2012 at 2:14 pm #

    Who have you hurt by knitting and blogging? And really? If other people are hurt by the things you feel passionate about, that’s their baggage and not yours. I do think that finding a knitting group to at least get a bit of social interaction is a good idea, but really, you have a strong online persona (I know you from Twitter), and I don’t think there is anything wrong with you.

    But hey – when I finally get to North Carolina, any chance we can meet up if you visit the area? I’m sure we could find all kinds of adventure. 😉

  4. Sarah King April 13, 2012 at 4:13 pm #

    I’m new to this blog (thanks to twiiter). If you feel you need to expand your horizons find a sport that catches your attention and join a club or community group doing it. These people may not become friends but they may introduce you to others who will be and just getting out and about won’t hurt (neither will the exercise).

    Oh, and try being an introvert trained to be an extrovert! People are often surprised when they find out I’m not as outgoing as I sometimes appear to be.

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